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PolyBase and Hive Shim Errors

I ran into a problem with Hive 3 and PolyBase:

My initial plan was to google things. The specific error: java.lang.IllegalArgumentException: Unrecognized Hadoop major version number. That pops up HIVE-15326 and HIVE-15016 but gave me no immediate joy.

After reaching out to James Rowland-Jones (t), we (by which I mean he) eventually figured out the issue.

Click through for the solution.