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The Cure to Scalar Functions

Tom Zika has a cure:

In the first two parts, we have seen why the Scalar functions (UDFs) are a problem for the performance. So how do we deal with it now that we know it’s a problem?

There is only one solution:

I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
— Ellen Ripley

Tom’s ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to his newsletter.